Ask a Therapist: You are not the problem

This is Kate with Destiny City Counseling. And just coming to you for my first “Ask a Therapist” video. So the first question that I wanted to address is just a really common one that I get in counseling all the time. And that's just people coming in wanting to know what can I do to break out of the cycle of anxiety or depression. And so today I just wanted to share one of my favorite mindset shifts that I think can help with not only those issues, but a lot of other things that plague us in mental health and emotional health and stuff like that. And that is just the understanding that you are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

So I think what can often happen when we're dealing with anxiety or depression, especially for a long period of time, is that we can begin to feel like we identify with that thing. "I am depressed, I'm a depressed person, I'm a negative person, I'm an anxious person." And we take on that thing as our identity. And the problem with this kind of thinking is that it fuses us to the problem and it invites shame in and basically we start to see ourselves as the problem. And when you do that, you have boxed yourself out of a lot of the solutions. Because if I'm the problem, then it follows to think that I can only change a certain degree. “Well, I'm just a depressed person. Well, it's just who I am. So I'm always going to struggle with depression. Well, I'm just really anxious. I've always been that way. It's just my personality type.” So you see how that thinking locks you in to whatever the problem is. And you feel a sense of shame about who you are because on an identity level you've agreed with whatever that thing is that you'd like to change.

So alternatively, the way that we can think about it is, I am not the problem, the problem is the problem. Meaning, “I am not a depressed person. I'm a person that struggles with depression. I am not a negative person. I'm a person that has become accustomed to negative mindsets, but I can change that. I am not an anxious person, I'm a person that struggles with anxiety and I'm learning how to overcome it.” So just by changing, it might seem like semantics, changing the language, but language is really powerful. The words that we use in the way... What we think internally, our thoughts, really has an effect on how we see ourself and if we're tapped into a sense of hope. Basically when you're working on changing something, you want to become best friends with hope, and you want to become best friends with empowerment, and you want to tap into mindsets where you believe you can change.

What’s so great, is that in the field of psychology, we’re learing so much about “neuroplasticity,” meaning “neuro”= brain, and “plastic” = moldable, changeable. Psychology just continues to come with more and more research about how we can change the brain, we can change our thoughts. So there's always hope. There's always the ability to change. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

You can point your efforts towards what in this equation can I change? What do I have control over? I'm not fusing with whatever that negative thing is. Seeing it as this external thing that you're fighting and you're working to change, but not identifying with it as a sense of self or sense of identity.

Who you are is good and wonderful, and you're learning just to make those changes so that you're not dealing with what you've had to deal with before. So I hope that helps guys. Let me know what other questions you'd like in the comments. Love to answer some in the future.