Ask a Therapist: You are not the problem

This is Kate with Destiny City Counseling. And just coming to you for my first “Ask a Therapist” video. So the first question that I wanted to address is just a really common one that I get in counseling all the time. And that's just people coming in wanting to know what can I do to break out of the cycle of anxiety or depression. And so today I just wanted to share one of my favorite mindset shifts that I think can help with not only those issues, but a lot of other things that plague us in mental health and emotional health and stuff like that. And that is just the understanding that you are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

So I think what can often happen when we're dealing with anxiety or depression, especially for a long period of time, is that we can begin to feel like we identify with that thing. "I am depressed, I'm a depressed person, I'm a negative person, I'm an anxious person." And we take on that thing as our identity. And the problem with this kind of thinking is that it fuses us to the problem and it invites shame in and basically we start to see ourselves as the problem. And when you do that, you have boxed yourself out of a lot of the solutions. Because if I'm the problem, then it follows to think that I can only change a certain degree. “Well, I'm just a depressed person. Well, it's just who I am. So I'm always going to struggle with depression. Well, I'm just really anxious. I've always been that way. It's just my personality type.” So you see how that thinking locks you in to whatever the problem is. And you feel a sense of shame about who you are because on an identity level you've agreed with whatever that thing is that you'd like to change.

So alternatively, the way that we can think about it is, I am not the problem, the problem is the problem. Meaning, “I am not a depressed person. I'm a person that struggles with depression. I am not a negative person. I'm a person that has become accustomed to negative mindsets, but I can change that. I am not an anxious person, I'm a person that struggles with anxiety and I'm learning how to overcome it.” So just by changing, it might seem like semantics, changing the language, but language is really powerful. The words that we use in the way... What we think internally, our thoughts, really has an effect on how we see ourself and if we're tapped into a sense of hope. Basically when you're working on changing something, you want to become best friends with hope, and you want to become best friends with empowerment, and you want to tap into mindsets where you believe you can change.

What’s so great, is that in the field of psychology, we’re learing so much about “neuroplasticity,” meaning “neuro”= brain, and “plastic” = moldable, changeable. Psychology just continues to come with more and more research about how we can change the brain, we can change our thoughts. So there's always hope. There's always the ability to change. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

You can point your efforts towards what in this equation can I change? What do I have control over? I'm not fusing with whatever that negative thing is. Seeing it as this external thing that you're fighting and you're working to change, but not identifying with it as a sense of self or sense of identity.

Who you are is good and wonderful, and you're learning just to make those changes so that you're not dealing with what you've had to deal with before. So I hope that helps guys. Let me know what other questions you'd like in the comments. Love to answer some in the future.

depression as a message that your heart is wounded

Today we are revisiting our series, “what is your depression trying to tell you?” in which we delve into understanding our emotions as messengers helping us interpret our unmet needs. Emotions (even the painful ones) are friends, not foes, trying to give us vital information about our internal world so we can fix issues at their source and thrive again.

Let’s explore one message that depression may be trying to get you to hear: that your heart is wounded. There’s great book about dealing with painful emotions called “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die” by Karol K Truman. Wow, that title paints a mental picture, huh? The truth is that we can’t outrun pain; we cannot stuff it in the closet and close the door and hope it disappears. The hard truth is that buried pain will be there waiting for us until we are ready to deal with. But if you stuff enough of it, it might start to pop up in your life in uninvited ways and crash your party. This stuffed pain may show up in the form of depression, chronic illness, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, low grade anxiety, or physical ailments like head aches, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.

Consider these examples:

• Somatic psychologist Susanne Babbel MFT, PhD writes about the connection between psychological health and chronic pain issues: “Often, physical pain functions to warn a person that there is still emotional work to be done, and it can also be a sign of unresolved trauma in the nervous system.”

• Johns Hopkins Medicine illustrates that chronic anger, resentment, and unforgiveness can increase your likelihood for suffering from depression, anxiety, heart disease and diabetes, as well as lowers immunity and increases chronic pain. But practicing forgiveness can improve your cholesterol, help you sleep better, decrease pain, and lower your risk of heart attack.

In my own life, I’ve experienced depression in different seasons and for different reasons. There was a season when I was stuck in a job where I felt overwhelmed, overworked, and like my passion was all dried up. During this time I was constantly fatigued, felt like I could never get enough sleep, and I was pretty irritable. To deal with the stress, I would overeat and over-binge on Netflix and social media to numb out the sense of frustration I felt, further adding to the feelings of depression. In this case, the depressive feelings were a helpful indicator to me that my work-life was way out of whack and causing all kinds of issues for me. The pain of the depressive symptoms forced me to stop and re-evaluate this area of my life and make the hard choices to leave that job and deal with the underlying fears that were keeping me stuck and giving me excuses not to chase after the dreams my heart truly craved.

Another time in my life I dealt with depressive symptoms that were coming from underlying resentment issues in my close relationships. I was constantly feeling like people were taking advantage of my kindness, like my time was all tied up doing things that I really didn’t want to do, and that I couldn’t say no. What it felt like in that season was a slowly building underlying anger, always being drained of energy, and a listless hopelessness that prevented me from connecting to a sense of joy in my present or excitement about my future. Where was this depression really coming from?

At the time I had no idea, but after digging deeper with the help of a therapist, I discovered this depression was trying to help me address on-going issues with not knowing how to set boundaries with people. As my therapist and I dug deeper into the boundaries issue, I discovered this was coming from a low self-esteem and faulty belief that I had to earn love in my life through being helpful to others. Going through this process with my therapist changed my life. Today I am so thankful for that period of depression because it alerted me to some huge issues under the surface that were sabotaging me and needed an overhaul. In place of this dysfunction, I started to understand that I am worthy of love simply for who I am, not what I do. I am still learning this in my life, and the journey has been LIBERATING! As a result of addressing those root issues, I started to thrive and come alive in ways I had not experienced before. It’s been a beautiful journey, and it’s still ongoing. And paying attention to what my depression was trying to tell me helped get me here.

Painful emotions such as resentment, rage, hopelessness, are not meant to wreck you—they are meant to help you. Just like the nerve endings that scream “PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!” when your hand touches a hot stove, those pain receptors go into alarm mode so you can take action and snatch your hand off the heat and treat the burn before any major damage is done. Same with our painful emotions—if we can learn to be really tuned into our emotions and follow the symptoms of pain to the source of the unmet need, we can return to a state of emotional health. It’s when we ignore the pain sirens and leave our emotions on the burning stove that we end up with bigger problems.

Therapy can help you dig under the surface of the depressed, anxious, numbed out, or overwhelmed feelings and find out what the roots are. It can help you find pain that needs comfort, shame that needs compassion, and lies about yourself that need to be upgraded into beautiful, liberating truths. Therapy can help you learn to live more self-aware and tuned in emotionally so you can catch little things before they become big things and learn the tools to care for yourself as life happens.

Call today for a free 15-minute phone session if you’d like to talk about working with me to take the next step in this journey for yourself.

depression as a message that your body is craving health

In my last blog what is your depression trying to tell you?, I talked about emotions being helpful messengers informing us of what our unmet needs are.  For example, resentment might be an indicator that we are over-committing ourselves and needing to tighten up our boundaries with other people.  Pervasive boredom that leaves us doing that never-ending Instagram scrolling might be a messenger letting you know that you feel a lack of challenge or adventure in your life.  Whatever the emotion, you can usually trace it back to an unmet need.  In this way, our emotions are friends trying to help us be healthy and happy--not enemies that need to be conquered or stuffed down. 

We also have to take into account that humans are complex, holistic beings and the state of our physical body can have a big impact on our emotional and even spiritual health.  If you are struggling with depression, it's possible that one message your depression is trying to tell you is that your body is craving a higher degree of health.  I would encourage you to consider these thoughts about how your physical health may be contributing to your symptoms, as well as some self-care tips below that can help decrease your symptoms.  

• Get a physical: You may know some of the more classic physical symptoms of depression, such as changes in appetite (overeating or not being hungry), changes in sleeping (insomnia or oversleeping), and fatigue or lack of energy. But did you know that in some people, depression can manifest in the body as headaches, stomach and digestive issues, or pain in your back or muscles? A lot of the symptoms of depression are similar to other health conditions, and sometimes depression can be exacerbated by underlying health conditions, so it's always a good step to consult with your doctor and get an updated wellness exam to rule out any of these other conditions.

• Get some sleep: Problems with sleep and depression are intimately connected. Sometimes sleep issues can be a trigger that actually causes depression or exacerbates it, and other times the depression can be the trigger for insomnia or other sleep issues. If you are in a stage of life where you have interruptions to your sleep cycle, such as doing shift work at night or being a new parent, this could be a big contributor to depression or anxiety. If there are changes you can make to help promote 7-9 hours a night of restful sleep, let this be one of the first things you address in treating depression. For suggestions of how to get restful sleep, check out this helpful article with 21 ways of how to sleep smarter.

• Get good nutrition: Nutritional psychiatry is a field on the rise for good reason--the link between food and mood is a strong one. Research has shown that "An unhealthy diet might make us depressed, and depression, in turn, makes us feel even sicker." There are a million diets and eating plans out there and it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by that. I would encourage you to start with what is undisputed: our bodies do well when we get balanced meals of real, unprocessed foods, including a lot of fruits and vegetables. If you are currently not eating whole, real foods or if you are eating irregular, meager meals, start with trying to get at least one balanced meal a day, and work your way up to three meals a day of mostly healthy food. Your food is literally the building blocks your body needs to produce the chemicals to help you feel good, so you've got to give it good materials to work with.

• Get some movement: This is another one you are probably familiar with, but that many of us (myself included!) can have a hard time putting into practice. It can be tough because when you are depressed, motivation can be hard to come by, and sometimes just doing things like getting in a shower or getting dressed can feel like they take all your energy. But the bang for your buck is huge for this one: for those with mild to moderate depression, studies have shown that exercise can be as effective as an antidepressant for some people. Other studies have shown that exercising for 20 minutes-a-day cut the risk of developing depression by one third. Does this mean that exercise is a cure all for depression. Not at all, but it is an important ingredient that can help you start feeling improvement fast.

The benefits to these self-care strategies are many.  Not only is this helping your physical body get its needs met to literally produce the feel-good chemicals your need, but doing these things will help you feel proud of how you are taking care of yourself, and giving you a feeling of accomplishment.  When you take the time to prepare healthy food for yourself, you are literally demonstrating to yourself that you are worth it.  When you go outside and walk down the block and back, you are cooperating with self-love and sending that positive message to yourself that you are valuable.  

These tips can be a great place to get started in changing your life and helping yourself feel better.  And reaching out for help can be another great place to start.  Counseling can provide the encouragement, accountability, and structure to help you get momentum to start seeing things change for the better for you.  Give me a call today for a free 15 minute phone chat to see if I might be a good fit to help you start feeling better.  

What your depression is trying to tell you

As a therapist, I know that usually by the time someone walks into a counselor’s office, their pain level is pretty high.  As a person who has struggled with depression myself, I know from my own experience that it took things getting pretty bad before I was willing to actually go seek out help for myself. 

By the time I picked up the phone to find a therapist, I was so depressed that I had trouble doing basic things to care for myself like eating regular meals or exercising.  At that time I was weighed down almost physically by my negative thoughts about myself, and getting through the day seemed to be so taxing, I wasn’t sure how long I could keep up the effort. 

When I had my first meeting with my therapist, I was just ready for her to help me figure out how to make the depression stop.  And while I did get some relief from the pain, even from the first session, what she helped me to do was actually a lot more important than just making the symptoms go away.

She taught me how to actually hear the message my depression was trying to tell to me. 

All of our emotions are like lights on a car dashboard.  One light tells you that you need gas, another to check your tire pressure.  Without these lights alerting us to the needs of our car, we would end up broken down on the side of the road, well… a lot!  Because most of us have the tendency to go, go, go until we absolutely have to stop do some maintenance.

Our emotions are the same way.  They are lights on our dashboard letting us know something under the hood needs our attention.  All of our emotions—happiness, sadness, anger, boredom, shame, resentment—are important messages letting us know something in our internal world or in our outside environment needs attention. The type of emotion we are feeling gives us a clue about what action we need to take to meet the need connected to it.  In this way, our emotions are incredibly helpful friends, giving us guidance on how to meet our needs.

Imagine that one day you just got fed up with having to get gas.  You thought you would solve the problem once and for all by gouging out your tiny little gas light on your dash.  You see how that would backfire on your when you’re calling AAA and needing to be rescued a few days later.  The consequence of shutting off the gas light, which leads to a costly breakdown, is a lot worse than the perceived inconvenience of regular fill-ups.

The same with our depressive symptoms.  If we just want to alleviate the painful symptoms and just make them go away through numbing, avoiding, addictions, or whatever, then we are not addressing the root of the problem, and we pretty much guarantee that this isn’t the last time we will find ourselves in a breakdown.

But if we instead see the symptoms as helpful signals alerting us to look inside ourselves with compassion, to locate our unmet needs, and to give ourselves the attention in those areas that’s required… well, that’s where the real change happens.

In this blog series, we are going to address some of the messages that your depression might be trying to send you.  This list isn't exhaustive and it won’t be true for every person, but it will give you some food for thought.  Here’s some topics we will get into in future posts:

• Depression as a message that your body is craving health

• Depression as a message that your heart is wounded

• Depression as a message that your relationships are disconnected

• Depression as a message that your hope tank needs a refill

• Depression as a message that your spiritual life needs an upgrade

The good news is, once you figure out the message your body wants you to receive, it’s much easier to meet that need and the symptoms often dissipate easily once the root cause is addressed.

If you want some help figuring out the message that your depression is trying to get across to you, it can help a lot to sort through things with a counselor.  Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation to see how I might be able to help.