Depression as a message that your relationships are disconnected

In this series, we have been exploring how our emotions are messengers, giving us vital information on whether our internal needs are being met or not. Instead of negative feelings being enemies to conquer, we are learning to approach our emotions as friends trying to help us address the root of the problem internally. So let’s not shoot the messenger!! Tuning into our feelings instead of shutting them down is the path to thriving.

Today we are examining depression as a message that our relationships are disconnected. As humans, we are literally hard-wired for connection and belonging. Having healthy, meaningful relationships in our lives is not a “nice to have” option in our lives—it’s absolutely essential for mental, emotional and even physical health. Consider this evidence compiled by slate.com:

• “The increased mortality risk [of loneliness] is comparable to that from smoking. And loneliness is about twice as dangerous as obesity.”

• “Social isolation impairs immune function and boosts inflammation, which can lead to arthritis, type II diabetes, and heart disease. Loneliness is breaking our hearts, but as a culture we rarely talk about it.”

• “All of our Internet interactions aren’t helping and may be making loneliness worse. A recent study of Facebook users found that the amount of time you spend on the social network is inversely related to how happy you feel throughout the day.”

If you are feeling depressed, take a look at your relationships. How would you characterize the close relationships in your life—are they supportive and encouraging; or distant and full of drama? Are your people accessible when you need someone to talk to, or want someone to laugh and share life with? Or maybe do you find yourself drifting apart from old relationships, no longer able to find time to connect with once-close friends? When you are hanging out with the close people in your life, do they know the real you beneath the cleaned up exterior—the you that is messy and raw and full of imperfections? Or do the people in your life only interact with your carefully curated self, the part of you that you spiff up like a filtered Instagram photo?

It’s been said that you can define intimacy as “into me you see.” Real intimacy happens when the walls come down and we crack open the door and let others glimpse inside the rooms of our heart. I think the strongest human desire in existence is the desire to be loved, truly and deeply, exactly as we are. True human connection means I am fully known and fully loved for who I truly am. But if I don’t let anyone see the real me, all the messiness included, then how can I experience real love? If I am censoring the version of myself you see, whatever affection I feel coming back at me is going to fall flat and feel hollow.

When you are assessing the health of your relationships, to truly thrive, you must have at least a few close friends who know The Real You. Unfiltered. The good, the bad and the ugly. Because this is where it gets good—when we relate to one another as our true, authentic selves, this is where genuine love and acceptance flows into our life and produces joy. It can produce pain too—that’s why Brene Brown equates this vulnerability to the essence of courage. But the joy far outweighs the potential for hurt. All the things we really want in life and packaged up in these kinds of relationships.

It’s what you were made for. And it’s essential to be truly happy and healthy in life.

As a 20- or 30-something, figuring out how to make friends post-college can be a difficult code to crack, especially if you find yourself relocating to a new city or transitioning into a stage of life that makes it harder to get out socially (like becoming a new mom). So if you’ve found it challenging to make friends in your adult life, you’re not alone.

And honest relationships like these are scary for all of us. None of us have been spared from the pain of betrayal, disappointment, or loss when it comes to the world of relationships. Emotional vulnerability takes guts. And it’s virtually a guarantee that you will get hurt at least a little bit in the process.

But there’s hope—it can be done, and it’s worth it. There are so many people just like yourself wanting the same kind of connection that you are wanting. It’s my belief that as we put ourselves out there with the intention to get vulnerable and really create meaningful connections with others, you will find that Life wants to help you do just that. There’s a force of goodness in the world working with you on this one, helping you. So don’t give up.

In the next post, we will follow this up and explore some practical ways to make friends in your 20’s and 30’s, and also some ways to deepen the relationships you already have in your life.

Therapy itself is a relationship that is created for you to practice the brave work of vulnerability and authentic connection. It has been said “what has been hurt through relationship must be healed through relationship.” Counseling can be a safe place to work through issues of recurring relational dysfunction, fears of intimacy, or grief from relationships ended. Call today if you’re looking for a safe place to explore these things in your own life.