This is the first part in a series about self-compassion. Today we will talk about what is self-compassion, and what are some ways therapy can help me grow in this?

In future blog posts we will explore how Lifespan Integration therapy and Brainspotting therapy can help develop self-compassion in more detail.  

The number one thing that clients come to therapy for

Sometimes people ask me, “What’s the number one issue that your clients come to therapy for?”  If you were to poll my clients, I think some would say anxiety, some depression, and some stress or trauma.  Those are definitely prevalent issues.  But there’s another issue that shows up in almost all of those, even though many clients may have no idea when they start working with me.  And that issue is this: the need to learn to let go of self-judgment and embrace self-compassion. 

To me, learning to practice self-compassion is one of the most important things that I can help my clients learn, and it undergirds everything in the way I practice therapy.  

If you want to make progress in your healing journey, learning self-compassion is a must.  Let’s talk about some ways to do that.

What is self-compassion?

Very simply, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, warmth, and understanding.  It means realizing that making mistakes is part of being human and not a reason to isolate or berate ourselves.  And it means that it’s ok to feel painful emotions, but that doesn’t mean that we have to fuse with them.  

Practicing compassion toward ourselves is very similar to how we would treat a good friend when they are down and out.  If a good friend was hurting and came to us, our hearts would go out to them with kindness and caring.  We would listen to their thoughts and feelings with understanding, patience, and warmth.  We would sit with them in their pain and let them know they aren’t alone.  We would affirm our love for them even when they make mistakes.  We would comfort them and help them figure out where to go from here.

Most of us find it a lot easier to show this kind of kindness to others than ourselves.  When it comes to how we treat ourselves, many of us struggle with a strong inner critic that rears its head if we make a mistake.  When we mess up, often we react out of shame and experience isolation.  Instead of being patient with ourselves, we breathe ourselves for not having it together yet.  

As a result of our inner critic, we can get mired down in guilt, shame, and depressive feelings.  We can isolate and feel unworthy or fearful of being known by others.  We can get anxious and try to protect ourselves with perfectionism.  This brings its own kind of pain and can lead to feelings of overwhelm, burnout, or crippling  procrastination.  

Is any of this sounding familiar.  Yeah, me too!  Self-criticism is an epidemic and most of us know these patterns all too well. 

But there’s good news—therapy can help you learn to practice self-compassion and be kinder to yourself.  Here are a few ways how. 

How can therapy help you develop self-compassion?

1.  The therapeutic relationship

There are practically a million different therapies out there, but the one ingredient that makes any therapy as effective as it can be is a good relationship between you and your therapist.  

Feeling safe, supported, and cared for is of the utmost importance when it comes to your relationship with your therapist.  Ideally, this is another human being who you can share your innermost thoughts, fears, feelings, pains, hopes, disappointments, traumas, and dreams with.  They may know more about you than anyone else in your life.  It’s absolutely crucial that you feel they are always on your side, believing the best about you, and holding space for you with compassion and warmth.  

That doesn’t mean they might not give you some tough love every now then, telling you things that may be hard to hear.  But it should always feel kind, gentle, and supportive, with your best interest at heart.  

As you share your story with your therapist, you should experience someone who is fully present, listening intently, making space for your feelings, and looking back at you with eyes of kindness.  Feeling warmth and compassion from your therapist can help you practice compassion for yourself.  

Shame lies to us and makes us feel like if people knew “the real us” they would cut us off, humiliate us, look down on us.  Your therapist is someone who can know the “real you” and instead show you love and support, and point out your own inherent goodness even when you have a hard time seeing it.  

Feeling known in this way is revolutionary.  It can lift a huge burden off your shoulders, knowing that you are not alone, and that you are loved and accepted WITH your faults and mistakes, not apart from them.  

2.  Therapy is a place to practice curiosity instead of judgment

A key part of learning to practice self-compassion means turning toward our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with curiosity, not judgment.  Sometimes we don’t even realize it, but there are certain thoughts or feelings that we have made an unspoken vow not to feel. We avoid those thoughts, rationalize them away, or bury them deep.  We keep ourselves so busy or so zoned out on social media that we never have to feel them.  

Or other times we may feel them, but as soon as we do, we feel immediate self-hatred or shame for having those thoughts or feelings.  Our inner critic uses this as evidence that we are lazy, lousy, good for nothing, fill-in-the-blank-mean-name-calling-here. 

Instead, your counselor can help you recognize feelings you may have been avoiding,  They can also help you pause before using those feelings as a diving board into more self-judgment. Together, with the help of another compassionate human being in your process with you, you can label those thoughts and feelings and practice noticing them from a place of neutrality.  

In the observing of these painful thoughts, feelings, memories, etc., this is where healing happens.  In getting curious and making space for them, instead of disassociating, this is where healing happens.  A therapist can help you do this in session as you learn to do this on your own.

3.  Therapy is a place to practice the re-parenting process 

Many times when we struggle with our inner critic, perfectionism, or shame, these things can be long-standing issues for us that have roots in our childhoods.  

All of us is all of our ages at once.  We may be an adult with a car payment and a 401k, but we are also still that 10-year-old who got their feelings hurt on the playground or the 15-year-old who felt embarrassed at the school dance.  

Re-parenting is a therapeutic process that involves practicing self-compassion and curiosity and learning to give these things to the younger parts of yourself that never got them.

Through this therapeutic process, we can learn to recognize where our self-judgment is originating from and learn to give love and warmth to those younger parts of ourselves.  

Your therapist can help you step back from painful emotions and notice the patterns and roots of where these things are emerging from in your past.  They can help you see that always those feelings, defense mechanisms, and behaviors are there for a reason.  What you are experiencing makes sense.  They can help you feel the pain, meet the unmet needs of your younger self, and heal at a deeper level in your present-day life. 

Find a therapist to help you grow in self-compassion

If you struggle with shame, perfectionism, or self-judgment, and you are ready to start breaking those cycles, reach out today.  You can learn to practice self-compassion and go on a transformative healing journey—and you don’t have to do it alone.  Therapy can help.  Give me a call today for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit.