Do you struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries? (I see that hand 😉). You’re not alone! People-pleasing is a common issue that comes up with many of my clients and is something that I have worked on a lot in my personal life as well.

What is people-pleasing?

One definition of people-pleasing is abandoning one’s self, desires, or needs in order to meet those of another. If this becomes a pattern of behavior, it means that we are chronically ignoring our own needs to try and garner praise or approval from others in an effort to shore up our own sense of well-being. The problem with this is that the approval of others is that it’s like junk food—it fills you up temporarily but leaves you hungry for something more nourishing later. If we are constantly de-prioritizing ourselves, we are going to have a lot of backlogged pain from our minimized needs. We might even find it hard to feel like we “know” ourselves because we are so used to abandoning ourselves and always thinking of others.

Where does people-pleasing come from?

People-pleasing can come from different places. There may be cultural or societal pressures that have celebrated serving others but have not celebrated us balancing our own needs and desires, too. As women, we are often socialized to put the needs of others ahead of our own. This may have been what was normal in our family of origin. Religion can play a role, too. As a Christian, I heard a lot about serving about sacrifice growing up in the church, but I did not also see the message of self-love and boundaries taught as clearly.

For many clients that I see, people-pleasing was a brilliant and resourceful strategy that their child-self picked up in order to figure out how to get their needs met. if it wasn’t safe to voice your needs growing up, or if your parents were not emotionally available or willing/able to meet your needs, you may have stumbled into people-pleasing as a way to get that emotional validation that every kid needs.

Personality can play a role, too. People-pleasing is something that Enneagram 2’s and 9’s can struggle with in particular. (I speak from experience here as a classic 2! 😁)

Resentment can be your helper—no, really!

So that brings us to the quick tip I want to give you today! If you struggle with people-pleasing, you are probably familiar with that feeling of resentment that sets in when you have committed to something that later you realize you never wanted to do. In the moment, it’s so easy to get caught up and acquiesce to the request. If we are long-time people-pleasers, it may feel very difficult in the moment to actually tap into your authentic self to know what you truly want or need. Our emotions are the signposts that let us know what we need and what our capacity is. But if you’re out of touch with your emotions, it may feel difficult in the moment especially to know what you need.

This is where resentment is your helper! Pay attention any time you notice yourself feeling this after you’ve committed to something. Sit with that feeling and let it show you what you wish you actually said, and why.

For example, a friend asks you to let them borrow your truck to move. You agree in the moment, but later feel resentment. As you explore that, you realize you don’t want to let them borrow your truck, because the last time someone did, they brought it back on empty and dirty. Or this is the 4th request for your truck in the past few weeks that you’ve gotten, and you’d actually like a weekend to yourself. Resentment is showing you your legitimate needs here—for respect for you and your possessions, and for rest.

In order to prioritize your needs as much as another person’s, we need to get present to our emotions, let them clue us in on our needs, and then take responsibility to get our needs met by setting boundaries.

So the quick tip is…

So, here’s an exercise I want you to try if you struggle with people-pleasing. When someone asks you to do something, instead of responding in the moment “yes” without thinking, I want you to use this phrase:

This magic phrase will allow you the space to get quiet with yourself and truly identify your emotions around this request, and then follow those signposts to recognize your needs. When you do this, you can respond much more honestly and avoid the painful and costly feeling of resentment later because you abandoned yourself again.

You may realize after this time to reflect that you want to say no altogether, you want to say yes with parameters, or you realize you really are happy to say yes, and so you do so genuinely.

Now, you will probably notice a lot of discomfort if you try this, especially if it’s new for you. That discomfort is a good thing! You are building your boundary muscles and giving them a good workout. Any time we try something new, it’s going to feel foreign and maybe even “wrong” or “mean”—but you are not being mean by taking steps to actually honor and care for yourself. This will help prevent you from being burnt out, and allow you to have juice in your tank to take care of yourselves and others freely and without resentment.

I recommend you try this exercise wholeheartedly for at least 2 weeks to get the hang of it. Notice what comes up for you and practice sitting with the discomfort of not pleasing people all the time. The more you do it, the easier it will get, and the better you will feel taking care of yourself.

Counseling in tacoma, wa to help you with boundaries

If you’d like some support in learning to prioritize you, set healthier boundaries, and learn to love yourself better, counseling can help! Working with a counselor can help you understand where these patterns come from in your family of origin or background, and how you can replace these strategies with healthier ones so you can avoid burning out or living in resentment. Give me a call today at 253-365-0403 if you’d like to see if we’d be a good fit to help you reach these goals.